


Beautiful Disaster

by c_rissarose16



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, JJ (Outer Banks) Needs a Hug, JJ Has Feelings For Kiara (Outer Banks), Kiara (Outer Banks) Needs a Hug, Kiara Has Feelings For JJ (Outer Banks), They both like to ignore said feelings, They both miss their friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:33:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25889662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/c_rissarose16/pseuds/c_rissarose16
Summary: “I thought you were going to bed, sweetie.” Kiara looks up from her phone where she was mindless scrolling through Instagram, lost in thought, to see her mother standing in her doorway. There was a  gentle, concerned expression on her face.“I am. I’m just not super tired right now,” she responds, with the best I’m okay smile she can muster.Her mother doesn’t buy it. “Kie--” She’s cut off by the upbeat melody of the standard iPhone ringtone. Kiara looks down the phone in her hands and feels her breath hitch as she reads the name on the screen.JJ.“Uhh, Mom? Do you mind if I take this?”It’s been four weeks since John B and Sarah disappeared in the storm. Two weeks since either Pope or Kiara have heard from JJ. Losing John B. was hard on all of them. Still is. But Kiara and Pope had both known that it would be JJ who took it the hardest. They had done everything they could to help him, to hold on to him. But how can you help someone who’s determined to push you away?In which JJ calls Kiara in a time of need and she does everything in her power to help him.
Relationships: JJ & Kiara (Outer Banks), Mostly just good friends, Sliiight JJ/Kiara, jiara, some slight pinning - Relationship
Comments: 33
Kudos: 154





	1. Ease My Mind

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! So I decided to write a fanfiction. Reading everyone else's made it seem so fun and I just couldn't help myself, this community is so nice and supportive ig I just really wanted to be apart of it lol. So, I hope this doesn't suck. I'm pretty sure it doesn't, I worked really hard on it but man writing other people's characters is hArd, but I just love these two so much. So anyway, enough about me. Enjoy!
> 
> He's as damned as he seems
> 
> And more heaven than a heart could hold
> 
> And if I try to save him
> 
> My whole world could cave in
> 
> It just ain't right
> 
> It just ain't right
> 
> Oh and I don't know
> 
> I don't know what he's after
> 
> But he's so beautiful
> 
> Such a beautiful disaster

Help me leave these lonely thoughts behind

When they pull me under, and I can feel my sanity start to unwind

Darling, only you can ease my mind

I'll admit, for a moment I felt so afraid

Just to show you the mess that I made

There are pieces I usually hide

But when you collect me with your steady hand

With a language that I understand

I feel put back together inside

“I thought you were going to bed, sweetie.” Kiara looks up from her phone where she was mindless scrolling through Instagram, lost in thought, to see her mother standing in her doorway. There was a gentle, concerned expression on her face. 

“I am. I’m just not super tired right now,” she responds, with the best I’m okay smile she can muster. 

Her mother doesn’t buy it. “Kie--” She’s cut off by the upbeat melody of the standard iPhone ringtone. Kiara looks down the phone in her hands and feels her breath hitch as she reads the name on the screen. 

JJ. 

“Uhh, Mom? Do you mind if I take this?” 

Her mom nods in resignation.“Right, of course. I’ll talk to you in the morning.” 

“Night.” 

With her mom gone, Kiara stares back at her phone. Neither she nor Pope has spoken to JJ in weeks. Not since their fight. A cold, angry part of her is tempted to just let the phone ring. The other part of her sees him standing in a ridiculously lavish bath tub, dark purple bruises maring his torso. Hears him sobbing in her shoulder, saying that he can’t take it anymore. 

She picks up the phone. 

“What do you want?” she asks, unable to keep the bitterness out of her voice. He’s probably just drunk dialing her anyway. 

“You picked up.” He sounds dumbfounded. And quiet. A word not often used to describe JJ Maybank. 

“Are you drunk?” she asks, more exasperated than angry. 

“No. No. I’m not. I just um I uh…” He pauses. It’s unusual for JJ to be stumbling over words, which only fuels Kiara’s assumption that he’s drunk or high. 

“I saw some … dolphins today and I uh thought of you and -- .” 

“Dolphins? You called me, in the middle of the night, to talk about dolphins?” 

“Umm… you know, dolphins are actually quite magnificent creatures--” 

“Who are you, Pope?” 

“I didn’ think it was a bad impression.” 

“Oh, cut the shit, JJ. Why did you call me?” 

Kiara waits for a response, and when she doesn’t get one, her patience wears out.  
“Whatever, I’m going to bed,” she says with a sigh, “if you wanna talk you know where to find me.” 

Kiara’s thumb is hovering over the red button when he says, “Kie, wait…” Something in the quiet shakiness of his voice unnerves her, reminds her too much of that night in the hot tub. 

“Yes?” she asks cautiously. 

When he finally speaks, his voice is quivering slightly. “IーI’m … look, Kie, I know you probably hate me right now,” he lets out a humorless laugh, “and honestly, I don’t blame you, but Iー'' his voice breaks. There’s a moment of silence and she can picture him collecting himself on the other side of the line before speaking again. An anxious pit forms in her stomach as she realizes that this is more than just a lonely, drunken apology. 

“I’m scared, Kie,” he says finally. “I justー I didn’t know … what to do. I just knew I had to talk to someone oー” He cuts himself off and swallows hard; she can hear shaky breaths on the other end of the line.

None of that makes much sense to Kiara, none of it sounds like anything a sober JJ would be caught dead saying. Still, drunk, high, or sober, Kiara can tell something is very wrong. Her anger dissipates, replaced completely with an overwhelming sense of concern. 

“Okay, okay, I’m here. What do you wanna talk about?” she asks, trying her best to sound casual. 

He responds so quietly she barely hears him. “Thank you.” 

She smiles. “of course.” 

“Can you talk?” 

“What?” 

“I dunno, just tell me something. Anything.” 

“Umm, okay…” 

She starts telling a story about the first time her dad took her to watch the sea turtles hatch on the beach while opening her text messages to JJ’s contact. She hits the info button and clicks on his location. (She and Pope had made them all share locations. They pretended it was for everyone, but JJ was really the only one of them who would disappear for days.) Dread wraps around her stomach as his icon appears in the green next to a street she recognizes as his own. 

He’s at his dad’s.

“Kie?” he asks tentatively on the other side of the phone. She hadn’t realized that she’d stopped talking. 

“Sorry, I’m right here,” she says, continuing on with her stories as she tiptoes out of her house and hops in the car. Her stomach is heavy with fear and dread the whole drive, but she does her best to sound at ease while talking. She finishes a story and calls out his name, just to see if he’s still there. 

No response. 

“JJ? JJ, please just answer.” 

Nothing. 

Kiara feels like her heart is plummeting into her stomach. 

Not JJ too. Not JJ too. Not JJ too. 

The mantra is still playing in her head as she tentatively opens the door of JJ’s rundown house, calling his name quietly. She sees his father asleep on the couch, a beer bottle clenched in his fist. Anger rises in her chest, but she forces it down. That’s not why she’s here. 

“JJ?” she asks as she opens each door. Finally, she opens one at the end of the hall that she’s sure must be his. There are posters hanging on by single pieces of tape, clothes strewn everywhere, and, in the far corner of the room, JJ. 

Kiara’s heart nearly stops when she sees him. He’s sitting with his back leaning against the side of his bed. His face is a mess of blood and bruises, there’s an open cut on his forehead and a ring of bruises around his neck. His phone is clenched in one hand, and in his other is the gun. 

Kiara chokes back a sob and fights back a wave of nausea. Instead, she drops to her knees beside him, relief floods through her as she sees his chest still slowly rising and falling . He’s alive. 

She then turns her attention to gently pry the gun out of his hand. She startles back as he grabs her wrist, his eyes shooting open. No, just his right eye; the other is swollen shut “Kie?” he asks softly, releasing her wrist. She sets the gun down on the floor. 

“Hey,” she says with a gentle smile. 

“Shouldn’t be here,” he mumbles, his words slurring slightly. Kiara thinks it’s more likely due to a concussion than any alcohol. 

“Well, here I am. C’mon, we gotta get you out of here.” 

He shook his head slightly then winced in pain. “Can’t. You go. M’fine. Tired,” he says, leaning his head back and closing his eyes. 

“JJ, you probably have a concussion. I need you to stay awake for me, okay?” 

He gives her a dismissive wave, says, “M’fine. Go.” 

“Fine. I’ll stay here with you then.” 

His eye snaps open at this. “No.” 

“Yes.” 

“Kie-” 

“JJ. You are the strongest person I know, I’ve watched you fall fifteen feet out of a tree and walk it off like nothing happened. I’ve watched you crash your bike on the pavement and walk around grinning with your skinned up leg ‘cos you're still faster than John B’. So don’t tell me that you can’t. You're gonna get up off your ass and walk out of here with me because I am not leaving you here.” 

She’s breathing heavily, and JJ’s staring up at her with a small grin tugging at his cut lip. She holds his gaze, and finally he concedes with, “You know, you're hot when you're all bossy and concerned.” 

Kiara scoffs out a laugh. She’s never been so relieved to be hit on. 

He grins weakly back at her. “Since you put it so nicely.” He lifts his hands and places  
them on the back of the bed, trying to leverage himself up, before crying out in pain and falling back down, clutching his ribs. 

For a moment neither of them speaks. JJ sits there, taking small shallow breaths, his face contorted in pain. Kiara watches him, unsure of what to do. Hating how utterly helpless he looks, and how utterly helpless she feels. 

“Here,” she says, bending down beside him, “let me help.” 

He nods and lifts his arm up. Wraps it around her shoulders so that her shoulder is tucked under his armpit. “Count of three, okay?” 

“You gonna wait for three this time?” he asks with a cheeky but obviously forced grin. 

She flashes him an annoyed but affectionate glare and starts counting. 

They manage to stumble out of the house with her supporting most of JJ’s body weight and JJ struggling to keep his feet moving. Getting him in the car is another issue, but he somehow grabs onto the handlebar and pulls himself up with whatever strength he has left before collapsing on the seat. 

With JJ safely in the car (and hopefully not looking), Kiara can no longer hold back the bile in her throat. After throwing up and choking back a couple of sobs she climbs into the driver’s seat and tries to come up with a plan. She could drive him to the hospital. He probably has a concussion and a few broken ribs, but there isn’t much the hospital can do about those things and JJ hates hospitals with a passion. The Chateau is out of the question. It’s up for sale and the three of them had divided all of John B’s belongings among themselves before they could be thrown out. Which leaves her house. It wouldn’t be the first time he (or any of the other Pogues, of course) had snuck in through her window, but seeing as JJ can barely walk, there’s no way he’ll be scaling the tree by her bedroom tonight. She’s just going to have to walk him through the front door. 

She glances over to see him slumped against the car door, his breaths small and shallow, probably to avoid hurting his ribs.  
“JJ?” she asks, her voice coming out more quiet and timid than she intended. 

For a moment she thinks he might be asleep, then he shifts slightly. Says “Yeah?” in a voice so quiet she can barely hear it. 

“Why did you go back?” 

He sighs. “Didn’t. Ol’ man called Shoupe. Said I’d run away.” 

A sick feeling creeps it’s way back into her gut. He had called the police just to force JJ back so that he could beat him. It dawns on her that JJ can’t just leave. As long as he’s still a minor, his father can just have the police drag him back anytime the man feels like punching something. The horror of it all threatens to make her puke again but she swallows it down. She could dwell on the repulsiveness of the situation later, but right now she needs to do what’s best for JJ. 

Her parents had never liked him. She can’t blame them. He’s a parent’s worst nightmare. But they’re her parents, and she trusts them. If she tells them the truth, she knows they’ll help. JJ won’t like it, but he’s just going to have to deal with it. She can’t let him go back there. She’d rather he hate her then end up dead in the two years he has left trapped with his father.


	2. Fix You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He's as damned as he seems
> 
> And more heaven than a heart could hold
> 
> And if I try to save him
> 
> My whole world could cave in
> 
> It just ain't right
> 
> It just ain't right
> 
> Oh and I don't know
> 
> I don't know what he's after
> 
> But he's so beautiful
> 
> Such a beautiful disaster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who commented and left kudos on the first chapter, it really means a lot!!! <3 I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint lol. Enjoy!! (:

But high up above or down below

When you are too in love to let it show

Oh but if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

When she pulls into her driveway her father is already walking out the door. 

“Where the hell have you been!” He shouts as she parks and steps out. “What is there about the word grounded that you don’t seem to understand!” 

“Dad-” His face switches from anger to concern as he sees her face and hears her breaking voice. 

“Kiara, what happened?” He asks, softer this time. He glances between her and the passenger seat, a confused look on his face now that he notices she’s not alone. He follows her to the side of the car, picking up on the fact that something was wrong when the passenger didn’t get out. 

When she opens the door JJ greets her with fear in his bloodshot blue eyes. “Kie, no.” he whisperers, his voice small and pleading. She swallows hard and reminds herself why she has to do this and prays that her parents won’t let her down. Kiara offers him a reassuring smile, “It’s okay, JJ. Trust me.” 

It isn’t her that he doesn’t trust, but her parents. She knows that, but her trust in her parents is going to have to be enough for him. It’s a silent conversation that they have and he concedes to trust her, whether because he really trusts her or because he doesn’t have much of a choice, she doesn’t know. Either way, he pushes himself out of the jeep, practically collapsing onto Kiara once he’s out. 

“Hey, Mr. C,” he says weakly, rolling his head up to face her father with a toothy and bloody grin. 

Her father frowns at him and chooses not to respond. Instead, he turns to his daughter. “Kiara, what the hell?” 

Kiara takes a deep breath, knowing she’s about to say something she can’t take back. She thinks of the night in the hot tub, the way he had clung to her, wasted and vulnerable, and desperate for affection. He's kept this hidden for so long, buried beneath extensive amounts of weed and alcohol, infectious energy, and witty jokes. She thinks of all the times he’s made them laugh while he was dying inside. She can’t let things go back to the way they were. They had been putting aids on a bullet wound and hoping it would hold. It was breaking him, and Kiara can’t just sit back and let it keep happening. She knows she can help. 

She knows she can’t lose another friend.

“His dad.” 

“Kie!” JJ mumbles in protest. Kiara ignores him, bites down any uncertainty, and focuses on her father.

It was all she needed to say. A look of horror settles on her father’s face, which then turns to a sad understanding. “Okay,” he says with a nod, turning his attention to JJ, who is still barely standing, most of his body weight on Kiara. His breath is still shaky as it ghosts over her ear. He’s more attentive than he was earlier, but she knows getting out of his house had drained most of the energy he had left. 

“Alright, alright. Kie, let me,” her father says gently, walking forward and motioning for her to let him take JJ. 

JJ flinches. Tries to take a step back, nearly knocking them both over. He mumbles an embarrassed “Mm sorry” and allows himself to be shifted from Kiara to her father. Once again, he doesn’t have much of a choice. He still tenses up a couple of times, but Kiara gathers that it’s something he doesn’t have much control over. 

Her father looks at the steps leading up to the door and then back at JJ, who she’s pretty sure would just plain collapse if he tried to stand himself. “I’m sorry, kiddo. You’re not gonna like this,” he says before JJ can react, scooping him up like a child and carrying him into the house. Not before glancing back at Kiara with a concerned look that said he should not be this light. 

JJ had always been skinny. In seventh grade, his eating habits had led to their first big fight. Twelve years old and growing more and more insecure about her own figure, Kiara had been viciously jealous of JJ’s ability to eat like a bottomless pit and still remain looking like a twig. She dealt with this by bringing it up a lot. He got more and more annoyed with each comment until he finally snapped at her. The resulting argument led to them both ignoring each other for about a week until John B finally pulled her aside and explained that JJ didn’t really always have a lot to eat at home, so he eats a lot when he gets the chance and never really gains any weight. So maybe she shouldn’t bring it up again. 

Kiara had felt like shit. It was the first time she realized, really realized how different her life was from the rest of the Pogues. Sure, she’d always known that she was more well off than the rest of them, but she’d never really thought about it before. She’d never fully understood how different her life really was to theirs. 

From then on she made sure to overpack her lunches with more snacks than she could eat by herself. 

Kiara had been too focused on his bruises to notice if JJ was any skinnier than when she last saw him. She wonders briefly if the weight loss stems from limited access to food or depression. Probably a bit of both. 

She forces herself to focus as she runs to open the door. Her mother is coming down the stairs as they walk in. “KiaraーMike, what the hell?” 

“We need a bowl of warm water, a washcloth, and the bottle of arnica.” 

There’s a sense of urgency in his voice that takes her mom by surprise. She does as he says without question or comment, a rare occurrence between them.

She follows her father to the couch, where he gently sets JJ. 

“We’re gonna need to take your shirt off, alright, buddy?” Her father asks, sitting on the coffee table across from the couch. (Something her mom would never allow under normal circumstances.) 

JJ nods and starts pulling at the hem of his shirt. 

“Kie,” her father whispers.

She nods, says, “Here,” and helps JJ painfully pull the shirt over his head. 

Kiara bites back a gasp as she takes in the myriad of nasty bruises, varying from red to dark purple that are scattered around his torso and chest. 

Her mother sets the supplies on the coffee table, finally getting a good look at JJ. Her face fades from annoyance to shock to sympathy. Although it probably looks more like pity from where JJ’s sitting. “What the hell happened to him?” she asks. 

Kiara sees JJ shift uncomfortably under her mother's gaze, an embarrassed and almost angry look on his face. She turns to her father. “Dad, maybe I should…” 

He looks at her, then back at JJ. Nods, “Yeah. You’re right.” He stands up and motions to her mother, “Anna.” 

She glances again between Kiara and JJ, then thankfully gets the message and heads upstairs with her father. 

Kiara sees JJ physically relax at their exit. He then fixes her with a one-eyed glare. “Kiaraー” He starts, she flinches at the use of her whole name. His voice is stronger than it had been all night. The idea that he was so angry with her that he was mustering up energy she didn’t even think he had makes her stomach churn with guilt. 

She cuts him off anyway. “I know, I know. You're pissed at me for bringing you here, but, I didn’t exactly have much of a choice. So, deal with it.” 

It comes out a little harsher than she means, the stress of the situation starting to get under her skin. 

“JJ, Iー” 

“Deal with it,” he repeats, cutting her off with a scoff. His voice has gone quiet again and he sounds more exasperated than angry as he says, “You’re such a fucking kook.” 

It seems like such a childish insult but it stings nonetheless. 

“I’m sorry I care about you.” She shoots back, trying to hide how much his comment hurt. 

“I know that you think you’re helping, but all you've done is made shit worse,” his voice is low and quiet. It seems like there should be a bite to it, but he’s too exhausted to put any anger behind his words. 

“You don’t know that.” 

“Fuck Kie, you don’t know that.” He shakes his head. “You don’t know anything about this. All you’ve done is buy me a first-class ticket to foster care.” 

Guilt twists through her gut like a knife.  
“JJー” 

“Don’t JJ me. This is my life you're making decisions about, Kie.” 

“I had to do something!” She exclaims, the emotions she’d been holding back all night finally spilling out. 

JJ’s one open eye snaps up at her outburst. 

“JJ, you look… awful and, and when you called you sounded like, likeー” her voice breaks, “We lost Sarah and John B, they’re dead and I just, I can’t lose you too. So I’m sorry, but I couldn't just do nothing. I couldn’tー” 

“Kie,” he interrupts softly. 

She takes a breath to regain her composure, wiping tears off her cheeks with the palm of her hand. “Look, right now I’m tired and you're exhausted and … a bloody mess. So how about I get you cleaned up so we can both go to bed and fight about this in the morning.” 

He sighs and nods his head slightly, refusing to meet her eyes.

Kiara dips the washcloth in the warm water and starts gently wiping the dried blood off his face. Neither of them speaks, it’s a silence that should be awkward but isn’t. After everything that had happened that night, it’s almost peaceful.

JJ keeps his eyes closed the whole time, wrinkles his nose when she starts rubbing arnica over the black and blues lining his face. 

He mutters, “stuff’s sticky … and it smells funky.” 

Kiara scoffs in amusement. “What do you normally do?” 

“Some ice and a bit of weed does the trick.” 

She rolls her eyes, but she’s never been happier to hear him talking about weed. 

“Actually, a lot of weed. Speaking of-” 

“We are not smoking weed in my parents’ house.” 

“But Kie, I’m saaad,” He whines, looking up at her from beneath his eyelashes, his puffy blonde bangs falling into his face. 

“Cute. But even if I wanted to, I don’t exactly keep a stash at my parents.” 

He shrugs, then winces at the movement. “Worth a shot.” 

Kiara smiles and shakes her head, says in a soft voice, “I missed you.” 

He looks up at her with genuine puppy dog eyes this time, like he wouldn’t have expected her to have even noticed he was gone. 

“I missed you too,” he says quietly, fiddling with the rings on his fingers to avoid her eyes. The look on his face tugs at her heart, makes her want to wrap him in her arms, and hold him like she can somehow stitch all his broken pieces back together again. Like somehow her arms could rewrite sixteen years of trauma telling him he’s worthless. 

She settles for smiling and pressing a light kiss to his forehead. 

He blinks up at her with the same sort of confused puppy dog expression as before, then drops his eyes back to the floor and starts fiddling with his rings. 

If Kiara didn’t know any better, she might think he’s blushing. 

If she didn’t know any better, she might think she’s blushing, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there's that :) A look at the Carerra's reaction to the situation and some JJ & Kie angst + fluff. (this one was really fun to write lol) Anywho, if you enjoyed please leave kudos and feel free to leave a friendly comment. Thanks for reading!!! 
> 
> Now I'm going to go binge to the new season of Lucifer


	3. seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He's as damned as he seems
> 
> And more heaven than a heart could hold
> 
> And if I try to save him
> 
> My whole world could cave in
> 
> It just ain't right
> 
> It just ain't right
> 
> Oh and I don't know
> 
> I don't know what he's after
> 
> But he's so beautiful
> 
> Such a beautiful disaster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again a big thank you to everyone who commented and/or left kudos!! I really appreciate it <3 Here chapters 3, enjoy!! (:

And I’ve been meaning to tell you 

I think your house is haunted 

Your dad is always made and that must be why 

I think you should come live 

With me and we can be pirates 

Then you won't have to cry 

Or hide in the closet 

By the time Kiara finishes cleaning his bruises, JJ is fast asleep. His head’s tipped back against the couch, his mouth hanging open just a little. She smiles, it’s cute. Under different circumstances, she might snap a picture, but seeing as he’s covered in bruises, decides against it. She knows it’s cliche, but he looks younger, softer. Like all his sharp edges and well-built walls even out and fade away in his sleep. 

Kiara shakes her head. It’s going on at 2 am, and the eerie vibe of the early morning combined with exhaustion is making her dramatic. She scolds herself for creepily watching him sleep and makes her way to her parents’ room. 

They look like they’re arguing when she walks in, but they immediately drop it when they see her. Her mom opens her mouth to say something, but can’t seem to find the words. Her dad just opens his arm and Kiara practically melts into them. Finally, with no reason to hold herself together, Kiara breaks down and sobs into the soft fabric of her dads’ flannel shirt. 

He holds her, strokes her hair, and whispers, “It’s okay baby, it’s okay. I got you, it’s gonna be okay.” 

“He just looked so awful… I thought he was dead,” she chokes out between sobs.

Her dad sighs heavily, “I know baby, I know. But he’s fine, he’s a tough kid and he’s gonna be just fine.” 

“How could anyone do that?” It’s a childish and naive question, she knows, but she can’t help but ask it anyway. 

“I don’t know, baby. I just don’t know.” 

“Love you, Dad,” she mumbles against his shirt, the night's events have given her a deep appreciation for her own parents. They’re not perfect, overprotective and controlling are two faults she can name off the top of her head. But they love her, and that's enough. 

“Love you too, sweetheart,” he responds, planting a kiss on the top of her head. 

She pulls away, wipes the tears off her face and stands up straight. She feels better, her head's a little clearer now that she’s vented her emotions into her dad’s t-shirt. It’s still late, and she’s still tired, but she knows she can’t miss her chance to have the conversation she’s about to have. 

“What now?” 

Her mother sighs and crosses her arms, “We go to bed, and talk about this in the morning.” 

“This can’t wait until morning.” 

“Kiara--” 

“No mom, I just made a life-changing decision against my friends' will because I trust you and I need to know what we’re gonna do.” 

Her mother sighs again, sinking down to sit on the edge of the bed. 

“We do what any reasonable person would do, we take it to the police.” 

“Then what?” 

“Then it’s out of our hands.” 

“What happens to JJ when we tell the police?” 

“I don’t know, Kiara! I’ve never really been in this position before!” 

“They’ll start an investigation,” her Dad interrupts. Both Kiara and her mom turn to look at him, having nearly forgotten he was there. He’s standing beside the bed with a guarded look on his face that Kiara hardly recognizes. “Interview people, bring in DCS, etcetera. My guess would be that they will decide to prosecute, in which case it could end up going to trial.” 

“So what happens to JJ?” 

He frowns and looks at her with an empathetic gaze, “Unless he has any other capable family members, which I highly doubt, he’ll be placed in foster care.” 

Kiara shakes her head.

‘All you’ve done is buy me a first-class ticket to foster care’ 

“I can’t let that happen.” 

Her dad just sighs and shakes his head, but her mother stands up and places gentle hands on her daughter's shoulders. “Sweetheart, I know it’s hard, but you did the right thing. This is what’s best for everyone.” 

Kiara backs away, shaking her head. “No. This is what's best for you because then you’ll have finally gotten what you always wanted and I’ll never see him or John B ever again.” 

Her mother stares back at her, a hurt look on her face that almost makes Kiara regret her statement. 

“You really think I’m that heartless?” she asks. Kiara stares at the floor. “I’m not denying that I didn’t approve of your friendship with those boys because of the amount of trouble they got into, but Kiara, I would never, ever wish something like this on them.” 

Kiara swallows and forces herself to meet her mother’s soft brown eyes. Quietly says, “I know, Mom. I’m sorry. I justー I lost John B and Sarah and I just, I can’t lose JJ too.” 

Her mother looks at her sympathetically, “I know Kie, I know but this is the best thing we can do for him right now.” 

“And if I believed that, I would agree in a heartbeat, but Mom, it won’t be good for him, and I know it. The foster system is flawed, to say the least, I’m not trusting one of my best friends to a complete stranger!” 

“There are a lot of kids who go into the foster system, find good families, and end up leading good lives.” 

“And there are a lot of kids that get raped, beaten, and end up killing themselves,” Kiara fires back. “That's not a risk I’m willing to take.” 

Her mom winces. 

“Mom, Me, John B, Pope, we’re the closest thing to family JJ’s ever had, he hasn’t been the same since John B,” her voice seizes up on the word ``died, “and he wasn’t exactly mentally stable before that. He can’t handle moving into foster care. It’ll kill him. ” 

Her mother’s gaze somehow manages to soften even more. “Oh Kiara,” she says tenderly, “I know you are determined to save everyone and everything that you come across but this time you’ve already done everything you can.” 

“That’s not true.”

She raises her eyebrows and cocks her head, it takes her mother a few moments to read the look her daughter’s giving her, then understanding flashes across her face. “No. No Kiara, we cannot do that.” 

“Look I know he’s not known for being the most … well behaved kid on the island, but--” 

“He is not some lost puppy we can just adopt! He is a deeply troubled child that we don’t even know!” 

“He’s been one of my best friends since fifth grade!” 

“I’m sorry, Kie, I am and I want to help but we can’t and that’s the end of this discussion.” 

“Why not? Because we don’t have the room? Because we don’t have the money?” 

“We just can’t. What about the Heywards? Wouldn’t they be willing to help?”

“I’m sure they would Mom, but we’re rich and they’re not, so what sense does that make? We have the money, we have the room, what real reason do we have that we can’t do this? Other than damaging your image at the country club.” 

“Oh my God Kiara! How terrible of a person do you think I am?” 

Before Kiara can respond, her father breaks his silence. “That's enough! Kiara, don’t speak to your mother like that.” 

Kiara folds her arms and fights back an eye roll. She was already planning on this being a long argument, and it had only just begun. Luckily, there’s nothing Kiara’s better at than arguing, and there’s never been an argument she was more determined to win. 

“And Anna, Kiara’s right.” 

Both mother and daughter stare at him in shock. 

“Kiara, would you give us a moment?” her mom asks, her gaze never leaving her husband.

“I know what I said before, Anna,” her dad responds, ignoring her order to Kiara, and answering her question before she can ask it. (Something he’s always had a knack for.) “And I meant every word of it but honestly, what worse could possibly happen?” 

Both Kiara and her mom look to the floor, there is no response to that. 

“We would have had to lock Kiara in her room all day long to keep her away from those goddamn kids. At this point, I’d just as soon have all the trouble under my own roof where at least I can keep my eye on it.” 

Her mom’s face is faltering ever so slightly, Kiara can tell that she’s wavering on her stance. She beams at her father in gratitude.

“But--” 

He doesn’t even let her start her argument before cutting her off, “I wouldn’t be standing here right now, Kiara wouldn’t be here right now if someone hadn’t given me a second chance when I needed one. I won’t be able to sleep at night knowing I couldn’t do the same for someone else.” His voice is soft and low, there’s a hint of vulnerability in it that's unfamiliar to Kiara. She glances over at her mom and can tell by the look on her face, that the argument is already won. 

“We could be saving this kid’s life, Anna. What kind of people are we if we don’t even try?” 

Her mother just nods, eyes glistening ever so slightly, “Okay Mike,” she says with a small smile, “Okay.” 

He smiles back at her, then, in a lighter tone adds, “Besides, I don’t think Kiara would ever forgive us if we didn’t.” 

A warm feeling blossoms in Kiara’s chest and she laughs, still somewhat in a state of disbelief that her parents agreed so easily. She walks up to her father and wraps her arms around his waist. Mumbles, “thank you,” into his shirt. He doesn’t say anything, just holds her tighter. An overwhelming wave of relief washes over her and she realizes that for the first time since John B stumbled back to the Chateau splattered in blood, Kiara feels like everything is going okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the lack of JJ in this chapter lol, there's a LOT more of him in the next one I promise. I just felt like it was important to show this discussion and give the Carrera's some development. They're not perfect but they're definitely good people and they just what's best for their daughter.


	4. Can You Hold Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He's as damned as he seems
> 
> And more heaven than a heart could hold
> 
> And if I try to save him
> 
> My whole world could cave in
> 
> It just ain't right
> 
> It just ain't right
> 
> Oh and I don't know
> 
> I don't know what he's after
> 
> But he's so beautiful
> 
> Such a beautiful disaster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyyy so It's been a minute. I'm so sorry it took so long to post this chapter, time really got away from me with going back to school and all that jazz. (guess who saved their English essay for the last week of summer) Also this chapter was hArddd, I must have gone back to change things about a hundred times before I even had my beta's read it. But it's all the JJ I promised and about twice the size as my other chapters so hopefully that makes up for everything. Anyway, please enjoy this angsty mess...
> 
> Trigger Warning! Mention of suicidal thoughts

Just wrap me in your arms, in your arms

I don't wanna be nowhere else

Take me from the dark, from the dark

I ain't gonna make it myself

Put your arms around me

Put your arms around me

Let your love surround me

I am lost

I am lost

If I ain't got you here

If I ain't got you, I ain't got nothing at all

When JJ first wakes up, he doesn’t remember where he is. 

The room is cold with air conditioning which means it can’t be his room, or the chateau. A warmth briefly blossoms in his chest as he wonders if maybe his father had realized that he actually gave a shit and taken him to the hospital. 

The feeling fades as quickly as it came. The bed is far too soft and as his eyes slowly open he can tell by the expensive paintings and the vase of succulents on the dresser that he’s clearly in someone's room, a very fucking rich person's room. His head clears, returning to the land of the living and his stomach churns with embarrassment as the events of last night come rushing back to him. 

He had meant it when he said he wasn’t afraid of his father anymore, and when Shoupe had dropped him off at the ramshackle shit-show his dad called home, he’d been ready for a fight. But he’s weaker now than he was then, he knows he’s lost weight, and with it a lot of his muscle tone. It took one blow to the head to turn it from a fight to a beating. 

The sick voice in his head reminds him that it wasn’t just the blow to the head, he could have tried more, fought harder. But the instinct of self-preservation that had driven him for the past sixteen years was broken. He had given up, curled up in a ball and sobbed, taken the beating like he was still a scared little kid. Lay there wishing his father would just kill him and be done with it. 

But since when has he ever gotten what he fucking wants? 

Eventually, his dad decided that he had learned his lesson and passed out drunk on the couch, leaving him curled up in a bloody mess on the floor. In other words, a regular Tuesday at the Maybank house. 

On really bad nights like that, when his father’s words won’t leave his head and he doesn’t have the strength to stumble to the chateau, the only thing that grounds him is the thought of John B’s smile as they pull off their latest escapade, Kiara’s laugh when he cracks a joke, dancing on the deck of the Pogue, Pope’s amused eye roll when does something stupid. He reminds himself that the pain will eventually fade and as soon as he can up he’ll be back on the HMS Pogue with three of them, laughing under the hot southern sun and that’s all he needs to make it through the night. 

But John B is dead and he’d fucked up his friendship with Pope and Kiara.

So JJ dragged himself into his room and seriously considered putting a bullet in his brain. 

That was when he decided to call Kie because that terrified him more than any threat from his father ever had. 

After the things he’d said the last time he saw her, he wasn’t even sure she’d pick up, let alone drive to his house in the middle of the night and drag his ass back to her fucking kook mansion. 

Then again, she’s Kiara and he really should have known better. 

As much as he resents that she got parents involved, something she knows damn well he would never consent to because parents are always intent on “doing the responsible thing” or some bullshit that involves cops, and DCS, and him being shipped off to some complete strangers far away from anyone and anything he’s ever cared about. 

He also doesn’t want to think about what he would have done if she hadn’t answered the phone.

She’d simultaneously saved his life and fucked it up even more than it already was. 

JJ tries not to focus on that, and instead, he turns his attention to the task at hand; convincing Kiara’s parents not to call the cops. Assuming they haven’t already. 

He rolls onto his side with a groan and is relieved to see his phone sitting on the nightstand, fully charged. It opens to a standard home screen, when it used to be a cute selfie Kie had taken of the four of them, but after John B his only options had been changing it or smashing his phone into a rock. 

He decided he needed the phone.

It’s going on twelve, which gives the Carreras plenty of time to have already filed some sort of report. 

Shit. 

JJ forces himself off the (very soft, very warm, very comfortable) bed, letting out a hiss of pain as his whole body screams in protest. His ribs are the worst, it hurts to breathe much less walk, but he ignores it and stumbles his way to the bathroom. (Which is connected to the room. And made of marble. Fucking kooks.) 

He’s on his way out when the door to the hallway creaks open and Kiara’s head peaks in. Her eyes widen with surprise when she sees him. 

“You’re awake!” 

“Ever heard of knocking?” he asks, naturally curling his lips into an easy smirk. “I could be naked.” 

Kiara smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. 

He’s suddenly very aware of the fact that he is half-naked and Kiara’s eyes linger on his bare chest just a little too long.

Normally he’d made a joke about her checking him out, but he can tell by the look on her face that she’s not looking at his abs. Not that he even has abs anymore, he’d been too busy drinking and being generally miserable to keep up his workout routine. Plus he’d only worked for the six-pack after John B bet him twenty bucks that he would never be able to pull it off and anything that reminds of John B makes him want to tear his heart out of his chest.

So he’s well aware of the fact that he looks like shit. He can see out of both eyes again but the left one is still puffy and purple, dark bruises against pale skin, a gaunt look to his face, boney limbs where muscle used to be. It gives him an unfamiliar and uncomfortable feeling that might be self-consciousness. 

“Um, do you have my shirt?” 

“What?” She blinks back up at him, her cheeks reddening slightly, “Oh, yeah, sorry. Here,” she steps into the room and tosses him an oversized gray T-shirt, “it’s my dad’s, it’ll probably be big but yours was a bit,” she pauses, looking down to the ground, shifting uncomfortably, “bloody.” 

He purses his lips, says, “thanks,” and gratefully pulls the shirt over his head. It still leaves the marks on his arms, face, and neck exposed, but he can’t exactly walk around in a parka. 

“How ya feelin?” Kiara asks, aiming for casual, but it comes out more like she’s talking to a spooked animal. 

JJ leans against the bar on the back of the bed, shrugs, “been worse.” 

It’s not the right thing to say, because Kiara winces and frowns at him. He wracks his brain for something to add that would convince her that he’s fine. 

He’s not. But Kie’s looking at him the way she looks at injured baby animals she finds on the street and he’s afraid she’s going to try and take him home and hand feed him until he can be released back into the wild. 

Half of which she’s already done. 

He’s about to say something about wanting weed when Kiara breaks the silence herself with, “we need to talk,” in the serious, motherly tone she reserves for telling the boys she’s concerned about one of their many unhealthy habits. 

JJ’s shoulders tense anxiously, “please tell me your parents haven’t talked to the cops.” 

Kiara frowns, “What? No. Well, not yet but--” 

“Thank god.”

“Look JJ--” 

“It’s fine Kie, I’m not pissed. You were trying to help, I get it. Whatever--” 

“Okay, good, but--” 

“We gotta go talk your parent’s outta going to the cops, like now. Before they--” 

“JJ!!” She doesn’t exactly yell, but her tone catches his attention. 

That and the fact that she’s grabbed his hands. 

He furrows his eyebrows, looking from her hands, small and soft in his, to her eyes, big and warm and brown. 

“No ones putting you in foster care, okay?” She says softly, offering him a reassuring smile. “Everythings gonna be fine,” she gives his hands a gentle squeeze. “So just sit down and listen to me.” 

“Kie--” 

She presses a finger to his lips, “Shh! Sit.” 

JJ frowns, not sure if her assertiveness is really hot or really obnoxious given the circumstances. Either way, he sits down on the edge of the bed, hoping that maybe she’s already convinced her parents not to call the cops. 

Kiara pulls her hands back as she sits down beside him, leaving his feeling cold and empty, and he subconsciously starts rubbing them against his shorts to erase the sensation. 

She takes a deep breath and looks up at him, opens her mouth then closes it again. Clearly not sure how to say what she’s trying to, which tells him he probably won’t like it. 

The tension is starting to make him uncomfortable so to fill the silence he says lightly, “I know where babies come from Kie.” 

She scoffs and rolls her eyes, says, “JJ” in that scolding tone she uses when he’s doing something especially stupid or reckless, but this time there’s no real force behind it and a smile is tugging at her lips. 

JJ relaxes at the sight of it. 

But Kie seems to realize that he’s distracted her from her whatever she’s been trying to tell him and says in a low voice, “This is serious!” 

It’s his turn to scoff, “Yeah, tell me about it. Is girl talk over? Can we go talk your parents out of going to the cops now?” He asks, getting up with only a slight wince. 

“No.” 

He stares at her blankly, there is no way he just heard that right. 

“What?” 

Kiara holds his gaze, her jaw set, and a determined look in her eyes that he knows all too well. “We have to go to the cops. You need to be legally out of his custody--” 

“No!” JJ doesn’t mean to yell at her, but the way she acts like she’s the expert on a topic he’s been dealing with his whole life gets under his skin. He reminds himself that she’s just trying to help and continues in a tense but calmer voicer, “No we don't. We never have to go to the cops. Ever! You might end up--” 

“I swear to God JJ if you start saying that lion’s den shit--” 

“Well, it’s true! Parents are bad enough, Kie, but cops? Have you lost your fucking mind?” 

“JJ--” she starts, using that same stupid condescending tone like he’s the one who has no idea what he’s talking about. It wears down on the limited amount of self-control he possesses and this time he fails to keep his temper in check.

His whole body tenses instinctively, preparing for a fight and he shouts, “No! No don’t give me that-that fucking tone--” 

“I do not have a tone,” Kiara responds, cutting him off and standing up her own shoulders held back and tense. 

“You do! That’s your,” he switches to a nasally, high pitched voice, “‘JJ, you’re being an idiot’ tone.” 

Kiara scoffs, rolls her eyes, and folds her arms, “I do not sound like that.” 

“It doesn’t matter!” he shouts, and Kiara’s eyes snap back to him, a surprised look on her face like she’s just realizing that he’s actually angry. “I’m not an idiot, there’s a reason I never fucking told anyone! Adults tell cops, and cops tell DCS and DCS leads to trials and all sorts of legal shit that ends in, guess what?” 

Kiara’s eyes drop to the floor. 

He snaps his fingers, “Bingo! Foster care. Yeah, think I’ll pass on that one. Got any other brilliant ideas?” 

She pulls her gaze back up to meet his, “I know how it works JJ, and I told you, you won’t have to go into foster care.” 

“Right, since you are clearly the expert on this topic, how do you plan on making that happen?” 

“You can stay here.” 

JJ stares at her incredulously for a moment before barking out a laugh, which turns into a wince and pained wheeze ‘cause fuck, his ribs hurt. “What, are you gonna hide me in your closet? Under your bed?” he asks, still grinning at ludicrousy of her suggestion. 

Kiara just glares at him, “Can you be serious for more than five seconds? I’m not kidding, my parents agreed to it.” 

The smile drops from his face as he stares at Kiara in disbelief, “Your parents what?” 

“You heard me.” 

JJ shakes his head, “But your parents hate me.” 

“Well that’s because your favorite hobbies are smoking weed and stealing shit,” Kie responds matter of factly. 

He considers that, momentarily forgetting his anger, then adds, “and surfing.” 

She flashes him a ‘so done’ glare before muttering, “and surfing.” 

“And sex.” He finishes with a small cocky grin he knows will piss her off. 

Just as he expected she snaps, “Sex is a not a hobby!” 

He shrugs, “maybe not for girls.” 

JJ resists the urge to laugh as Kiara’s eyes light up with feminist rage and she takes a purposeful step towards him. He must do a shitty job of hiding it because Kiara takes one look at him and flashes an exasperated smile, “you’re messing with me.” 

JJ grins, “You just make it so easy.” 

He must really look like hell because she visibly restrains her impulse to swat him in the shoulder. “Now I can’t believe I’m actually saying this, but can we please go talk to your parents now?” 

Her smile fades and she fixes him with that sad sympathetic gaze again. “I meant what I said, JJ. My parents are just going to tell you the same thing.” 

JJ clenches his fists and frowns at her, the blind faith she has that her parents are going to be able to help fills him with the same jealous rage that led to him walking away from her and Pope in the first place. He physically bites his tongue to keep from snapping that he doesn’t want her charity, the last thing he needs to do is fuck things up with her again. He forces himself to take a deep breath and calmly says, “Kie, I have no idea what kinda voodoo persuasion shit you pulled to convince your parents to let me stay, but it’s not gonna work forever. They’ll change their mind and I’ll be in a foster home before I can say ‘told you so’. No, thanks. I’m leaving.” 

Kiara looks up at him with that determined look in her eyes that means she’s braced for an argument she has no intention of losing. Says, “Fine,” in a way that doesn’t sound fine at all, “Where are gonna you go?” 

“I dunno. I’ll figure something out.” 

“What if your dad calls Shoupe again?” 

He shakes his head, says darkly, “He got what he wanted, he won’t do that.” 

“How do you know that?” 

JJ scoffs and rolls his eyes, “Because he’s my dad and I know. I’ll be fine, Kie. I can take care of myself.” 

She just shakes her head, “I know that you can, but I also know that you won’t.” 

“The hell is that supposed to mean?” 

“It means you’re not okay, JJ! And I know that you’ve never exactly been a picture of mental health, but losing John B-” 

Hearing his best friend's name for the first time in weeks reignites the anger JJ’s been pushing down. He takes a step towards her and screams, “Shut up!”

Kiara flinches slightly at the sudden movement but holds her ground. She takes his hand, giving it a gentle squeeze before looking up at him with her soft eyes and saying, “I miss him too, JJ.” 

Miss him feels like a serious understatement. Since third grade, JJ’s whole world had revolved around John B, because before John B he had no one. His mother had abandoned him and his father hated his nine-year-old guts. Then John B waltzed into his life, all easy smiles and a head full of adventures. He hated going home so he stuck with John B, who not only didn’t mind him but liked having him at his side all the time because John B’s parents weren’t around either and he was lonely too. So they became each other’s family, John B was always there to patch him up when JJ stumbled into the chateau after a beating from his dad and JJ was always there to assure John B that no matter how many times his dad walked away, JJ would never leave his side. John B knew him, knew how to deal with all his moods and strange ways of expressing things and JJ knew John B the same way. And yeah, maybe he had felt like he knew John B less and less after his dad died, but it doesn’t matter. They were brothers and they had been JohnBandJJ for so long that he isn’t sure he even knows how to be just JJ. 

So yeah, he misses him. 

He doesn’t say any of that, but Kiara must read something on his face, because she slowly moves her hand from his and places it on his neck, wrapping her other arm around his shoulders and gently pulling him down to her. He tenses up at first, surprised by the sudden contact, but then she starts lightly combing her fingers through the strands of hair at the nape of his neck and it feels so good that he lets himself relax onto her shoulder. 

He presses his forehead against the soft fabric of her T-shirt, breathes in the familiar scent of her lavender plant-based laundry detergent, and wraps an arm around her shoulders and other around her back, pulling her impossibly closer. JJ can feel his eyes start to water despite himself because for some reason his brain equates a hug from Kie as an open invitation to start bawling. A small voice in the back of his mind tells him that it’s because she’s warm and soft and makes him feel safe, wanted. 

He doesn’t want to let go, doesn’t want to face all the shit that’s waiting for them when he pulls away, but he does so anyway blinking tears out of his eyes. He’s relieved to see Kiara doing the same, wiping her eyes with the palm of her hand. “I won’t try and stop you,” She says, sinking back onto the bed, her voice tired, “if you wanna go. I might be able to talk my parents out of going to the cops. ” 

JJ just stares at her, he’s glad she’s seeing reason, but it seems wrong for Kiara to be giving up so easily. She’s let down the confident air she normally wears so well. Instead, she looks sunken, defeated, tired. Somehow he hadn’t noticed the dark circles under her eyes, and wonders if she’s gotten a good night's sleep since John B died. He might not have been her only source of identity and stability, but John B was still her best friend. Losing him had been hard on her too. His stomach churns violently with self-loathing for getting so caught up in his own grief that he hadn’t been there for his friends when they needed him. If anything he’d made it harder on them. 

He takes a step towards her, says, “Kie,” in a soft voice without even knowing what he’s going to do next. Apologize for being a selfish asshole? Give her another hug? 

She cuts him off before he has to decide, “But please just stay. I know it’s super awkward and you’ll have to follow stupid rules and my mom may or may not try and turn you into a kook but it has to be better than…” she trails off, glances down at the floor then back up to him.

He meets her eyes, she’s staring up at him like she wants him to stay like it would break her heart if he said no and walked out that door, the look alone tempts JJ to just agree on the spot. 

He tries to imagine life with the Carreras, living in her massive house with central heat and air conditioning, memory foam mattresses, and mahogany cabinets that are always fully stocked. His stomach rumbles at the thought of food, the last thing he ate was a couple of granola bars he’d swiped from a convenience store, about a day ago. The thought of not having to worry about where his next meal was coming or if he’d made enough to cover the electric or the water bill is unbelievably tempting. 

But it would also be stifling and painfully awkward, waking up every day and knowing that he’s living off someone else’s charity, just another broken thing Kiara Carrera decided she could fix. 

“It’s not charity JJ,” Kiara says, practically reading his thoughts. “Pogues look out for each other, we have to stick together especially after…” she swallows hard, “after John B. It’s okay to have some help, you wouldn’t have called me last night if you didn’t think you needed it. So let me do that, let me help you. Think about it, if the roles were reversed would you let me just walk away?” 

He suppresses a shudder, the idea of Kiara in his position makes him sick. If the roles were reversed JJ would probably be in prison for homicide. 

“And—and if something were to happen and I could have stopped it, I would never forgive myself. Plus I—I wouldn’t mind the company.” 

There’s a vulnerability in her voice that breaks JJ’s resolve. Fuck his pride, he has nowhere to go, he’s starving, his whole body hurts, Kiara wants him to stay and above all of that, he’s terrified of being alone again. Standing here with Kiara he’s felt lighter than he has in weeks and he knows that it’s only a temporary fix, masking over the pain like ibuprofen or weed, but he doesn’t have the energy to care. 

After what feels like an eternity, JJ pushes his hands into his pockets, stares at the ground, and mutters “Okay.” 

He hears Kiara sigh in relief and sees her move out of the corner of his eyes before she’s jumping up and wrapping her arms around his neck, colliding painfully with his ribs. He’s not at all prepared for it and he’s weak from not eating so his knees buckle beneath him and they both end up spilled on the floor, Kiara lying on his chest, laughing. It’s warm and bright and infectious and God he’s missed that laugh. He would be laughing too, but he’s pretty sure his ribcage is on fire. 

“Off. Please.” 

“Shit! Sorry!” she exclaims, rolling off him, “are you okay?” 

“Mmm great, great, doing great,” he mutters from his spot on the floor, waiting for the searing pain from his ribs and various other bruises to fade. 

“I am so sorry, I guess I uh, forgot.” 

JJ grunts in response, “S'fine, you wanna uh..?” 

“Yeah, yeah.” She stands up and reaches out to him. He grabs her hands and pulls himself up, falling into her because his legs seem to have decided that they don’t feel like functioning anymore. 

“Woah,” Kie says, her hands pressed to his chest in an attempt to keep him upright, he ignores the spark that lights up in his stomach at her touch, “maybe you should sit.” 

“Yeah, maybe a good idea.” 

She helps him leverage himself back onto the bed and he flops down on his back with a sigh. 

“You good?” 

JJ raises his arm and gives her an exaggerated thumbs-up. 

She laughs lightly and he feels her sit down on the edge of the bed. 

“So do I like, have to go listen to a lecture from your parents or something now?” 

“Uhh yeah, yeah you do. Sorry about that, but my dad made chocolate chip pancakes!” she adds cheerily, like pancakes automatically make up for everything. 

They do. It makes sense that she would know that they’re his favorite after all these years, but it still gives him a strange warm feeling in his chest. 

“Do you think you can, uh, make it down the stairs?” 

“Probably. Slowly. Hey, have you uh, heard from Pope?”

He doesn’t look up but he can feel her shift on the mattress and wonders if maybe he shouldn’t have asked. 

“He's good. I think. He’s been working a lot, doing a bunch of stuff for school, you know how he is.” 

JJ props himself up on his elbows so he can actually look at her, she has one leg folded beneath her and the other dangled off the edge of the bed, her eyes fixed on her wrist as she fiddles with her bracelets. He feels a little better knowing that Pope’s doing okay at least, but her response didn’t seem right for two people who had been a couple the last time he saw them. His better judgment tells him that it’s none of his business and he shouldn’t press any further, he elects to ignore it. 

“So are you guys like… cool?” 

“Yeah, yeah, we’re cool. It just,” she meets his eyes for the first time since he mentioned Pope, and shrugs, “didn’t work out.” 

JJ pushes down the feeling of relief that arises in his chest, tells himself it was just because he was worried they were fighting. Says, “I’m sorry,” but it falls flat and awkward. 

Kie just smirks at him, says, “Thanks Jay,” and stands up. “We can probably eat up here, if you um, want.” 

“Kie?” he asks quietly before his courage fails. 

She tilts her head, “Yeah?” 

I’m sorry. I’m sorry! Just say you’re fucking sorry! JJ screams at himself, he sits up on the edge of the bed but refuses to meet Kiara’s eyes. 

God, why is apologizing so hard? 

“Look, I uh- I shouldn’t have lost my shit on you and Pope. I didn’t mean it. Any of it, I-” A lump forms in his throat, and he can’t seem to continue. There’s a knot of emotion in his chest where all the reasons he snapped at his friends are built up, but he can’t seem to figure out how to put them into words. 

Kiara’s kind enough not to make him, she says, “It’s okay,” in a soft voice and reaches down to squeeze his hand. 

JJ looks up from the floor, not even bothering to hide the relief on his face. He’s not sure what he expected, she coerced her parents, (who last time he checked are not his biggest fans) to basically adopt him, so they seemed to be past any sort of petty arguments, but hearing her say it out loud makes it just a little easier to breathe. 

“Grief does shitty things to people. Honestly, I’m just glad you didn’t drink yourself to death,” she adds, a teasing smile on her face. 

JJ’s stomach twists because the truth is he came pretty damn close, not that Kie needs to know that. So he flashes a smirk and says, “Aww Kie, didn’t know you cared.” 

“Have you heard anything I said in the last twelve hours?” 

“Mmm, you lost me around ‘hey.’ ” 

“Oh please.” 

“Hey, I have ADFD.” 

“It’s ADHD JJ.” 

“Close enough.” 

She smiles and rolls her eyes, “You comin’ or what?” 

JJ narrows his eyes at her suspiciously, “Did your dad make his special chocolate sauce?” 

“Duh. Chocolate chip pancakes are not chocolate chip pancakes without the chocolate sauce.” 

His stomach growls in response, “The hell are we sitting here for?” 

She grins and offers him a hand, he stands up without falling into her so that a plus. 

He must still be a little wobbly though because Kiara looks at him worriedly, “You good?” 

“Never better.” 

“Are you sure? Cause we can-”

JJ grins and throws an arm around her, “Relax mama Kie, I’m fine.” 

She doesn’t look like she believes him, but she says, “okay,” in a small voice. She also doesn’t throw his arm off like she normally would, which feels nice. But he reminds himself she probably just misses John B and she broke up with Pope and probably figures that he’s nonchalantly looking for help standing up or- 

“Ready to do this?” She asks, breaking his train of thought. 

JJ’s not sure if she means talking to her parents, or going to the cops on his dad, or stepping into the kook life or all the above and everything in between. It’s more than he can wrap his head around at the moment but Kiara’s standing beside him and there’s a flicker of warmth inside his chest that he hasn’t felt so strongly since John B pulled a piece of solid gold out a well; hope. 

He looks down at Kie and flashes a smirk, “Ready as I’ll ever be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo that's the end! I really hope you guys like this one, this chapter gave me a really hard time lol but I'm pretty happy with the day it came it out. Thank you all so much for reading, especially everyone who commented and left kudos, I can't even express how happy it's made me. I hope you all had as much fun reading this is I did writing and posting it! <3

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked it please leave kudos and feel free to leave a friendly comment. Thanks for reading!
> 
> Songs:
> 
> Beautiful Disaster - Kelly Clarkson 
> 
> Ease My Mind - Ben Platt
> 
> Fix You - Cold Play (Kelly Clarkson cover) 
> 
> seven - (Taylor Swift) 
> 
> Can You Hold Me - NF


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